Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
