just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
