Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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