Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
