My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
