Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
