Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
zippers are such a cool invention
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
