I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
if i died would you start the facebook group?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
