You can't special order awesome
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Randomize
