I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
