I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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