he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
