I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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