HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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