M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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