We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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