I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
