White coat. Heels.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
