at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
is that a dick in a sweater?
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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