Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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