Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
