On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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