from now on my penis is your penis
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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