M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
