We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
