I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
