He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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