Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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