I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Randomize