We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize