on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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