I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
