these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
