me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
