it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
