I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
