there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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