Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
