She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
