I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
