so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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