saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
