Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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