shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize