Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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