I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
