were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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