We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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