i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
