my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Randomize
