Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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