Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
