All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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