as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i just made my gag reflex go away.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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