Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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