Three words: puerto rican gang bang
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
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