Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
That accounts for only three of the penises
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
