Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
