As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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