Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Randomize
